A Time to Heal | Grieffeatured

This post is based on teaching by our sister Amber Slevin of River City Downtown at the Women’s Weekend retreat.
Most of the language comes directly from her talk and has been reworked to fit a blog post.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 welcomed us to see life’s array of seasons. From this we spent time looking to God’s Word on the emotions we experience throughout the fluidity of the season of our lives. Amber opened our Saturday morning teaching on the topic of grief.

What does God have to say about grief?
How do we rightly view, experience, and process grief ourselves or support others who are grieving?
Why are we sometimes (or perhaps always) uncomfortable with grief, both our own and others?

Let’s start with what grief is. Grief is a keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

It can be difficult to rightly comprehend the tension between a difficult event or emotion and the loving sovereignty of the God of our Bibles and our professed faith. Sometimes we just want out of it ASAP, or want to say the perfect thing to magically snap someone else out of their despair. Sometimes we are just really stuck, for much longer than we expect. God’s word challenges us to approach grief differently than the “superficial band-aiding” that is so tempting to do. Whether our time of grief is long or short, He challenges us to approach grief in His presence with full hope in His healing and restoration in due time. I hope today to share some of what He tells us about grief and to start a conversation about how we can provide biblical support to one another in sisterly love in times of grief. God’s word has so much to say about this topic and here I will merely be scratching the surface.

“I think Christians have an added obstacle to grieving in a healthy way because we get scared when our thoughts are despairing and our emotions are unstable. We punt those thoughts and feelings as fast as we can because we think they mean we don’t have faith. Instead of allowing ourselves to ask the hard questions before a heavenly Father who loves us, we explain away our anger and pain by slapping on some Bible verses and forcing ourselves to smile through the pain.”

Beth Broom of The Village Church

Definitions + Biblical Examples of Grief

We may think of grieving as something we do when we lose someone close to us. And, that is accurate, but grief is not limited just to death or loss. We may have a sister grieving the loss of a parent while another grieves never having the opportunity to have a relationship with her parent. The grief of not conceiving can seem as painful as the grief of a miscarriage for a woman with a desire for motherhood. The terrible effects of sin and unbelief in our lives and others are often a source of grief with a strong biblical precedent. A woman in a season of singleness may grieve the marriage she thought she would have by now and has so fervently prayed for. A woman in a time of illness may grieve the loss of her health and the long road ahead.

There are many examples, stories, and causes of grief through the Bible as well. We read about Jesus grieving over the death of Lazarus. The all-knowing all-loving son of God was greatly troubled by, and wept when he learned about the death of his friend (John 11:33-35) beside the family of Lazarus; despite knowing that in just a short time he would raise him from the dead. God was grieved by the wickedness of man in Genesis 6:6 and Isaiah grieved over the sin of Israel in Isaiah 6:1-7. In 1st Samuel we read about Hannah’s grief in her barrenness. We read about how in her deep distress she wept bitterly and did not eat due to both her troubled spirit and her rival who provoked her grievously because of her infertility. In Genesis 50 we see the Egyptians weep with Joseph for 70 days over the death of his father in verse 3 and then again when he was buried we see in verse 10 “they lamented there with a very great and grievous lamentation, and he made a mourning for his father seven days.” We also see several examples of grief throughout the Psalms.

Fruit + Value of Grief

We shouldn’t rush through our grief, as if it has no value. Pastor and author John Piper provides a helpful illustration as we consider the fruit of grief: 

“There are nutrients that we draw out of seasons of suffering that are strengthening to the bones of our faith and sweetening to the marrow of our faith like we can’t get any other way. Eat them. Go ahead and eat them. As long as God keeps you in that season, don’t waste it by wishing and wishing, wishing you’d be out of it. Go ahead and eat the fruit that grows on that tree alone.”

Those are some hard words to swallow. In Ecclesiastes 7:1-4 God calls us to see value in the fruit of grief. As we read “the day of death” is better “than the day of birth.” The house of mourning, than the house of feasting; sorrow than laughter. “For by sadness of face the heart is made glad.” The ESV study bible footnotes in this section talk about how bereavement, which in this passage is specifically referring to grieving someone’s death, is “a more effective prod to growth in spiritual wisdom and maturity than the elation one feels over a newborn child.” We know from the greater context of both Ecclesiastes and the Bible that God does desire joy for us in Him, but painful seasons have a special place in His plan for our lives and growth.

God tells us several times throughout His word that He uses our despair to cause us to draw nearer to Him and in that He also draws nearer to us. 

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word,” Psalm 119:67
“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.” Psalm 119:71

It is important to distinguish that these last few verses talk about some of the fruit of grief in nearness to the Lord, NOT the process of grieving. These are an encouragement to our hearts that God has something good for us in every difficult season, they are not a prod to “buck up, get over it and see the bright side while pain is festering deep down.” God’s word has many biblical examples of grieving that are encouraging to those who read this last verse and say “I am not in a place spiritually or emotionally that I FEEL my affliction is good. I am struggling and I do not understand it.”

View resource on Glorifying God in Unshakable Grief

Grieving Rightly in the Presence of God

We know we will grieve in this life and walk beside others who do as well, but as with most things common to the human race, we’re instructed to do so in a way outlined by God as His children. A way that is set apart from the world. Not trying to fix others in their grief, but joining them in their grief in a way that is supporting. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says: “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” Paul goes on to talk about the hope and life we have through the gospel that should frame our grief differently. In all of my reading and study on grief, one of the things I find most helpful is reading the words of a follower of God in the midst of grief. We may understand and have hope in the fruit of grief, we may know the promises of God to bring us out of it, but when we’re in it, what do we do? How do we grieve honestly and genuinely but not as someone who has no hope, as Paul says?

Psalm 42 allows us to read through a raw and beautiful cry to the Lord. The first two verses provide a bit of insight into the psalmists situation and reason for grief. He is currently in a state of oppression and thus unable to worship corporately in a central sanctuary and thus he is expressing feeling distant from God. We read, “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” Moving to verse three we see honesty and confession; a powerful picture of grief and sorrow. Weeping so heavily that that “my tears have been my food.” The psalmist then talks about how in his weeping his tears and sorrow mock and challenge His hope in and dependence on God. A feeling many of us can understand in times of trouble. In verse four we see him remembering the truth of God’s goodness in the pain as he pours out his soul to God. Rather than following or falling into the tempting thought that His current state is the result of abandonment by God, he challenges that thought with truth and recollection of God’s faithfulness in his life. It can be easy to forget or minimize all of the ways God has provided for us when we are in the depths of grief or despair, but those Ebeneezers, those monuments of God’s faithful provision both in our lives and in his word, remind us he is with us and for us. Verse five is remarkable. He has recalled encouraging truths of God and we see here and throughout the rest of Psalm 42 and 43 that his despair didn’t just vanish. Clinging to God’s faithfulness is so essential to godly grieving and ultimately healing, but it doesn’t automatically close the chapter of grief in our life. God will close that chapter in time, it does not remain open simply due to our weakness or our lack of faithfulness. This can be really hard for us – we feel as if we believed those promises enough we would be fine, healed, able to move on. We may even be tempted to feel as if trusting in God failed to heal us. Fight these thoughts my friends, Hope in God, for you shall again praise him, your salvation. Through this example we are called to remain in the presence of God and honestly and genuinely confess thoughts + speak truth into them, as we live through the cyclical process of grief. Which does not follow a straight path, where every day is “easier than the last.” CS Lewis says in his book “A Grief Observed” (written after the tragic death of his wife): 

“Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again. . . . In grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. . . . How often . . . will vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again.”

Read more on speaking truth to yourself through grief in the article Six Words to Say Through Tears. 

Supporting Others in Times of Grief

Perhaps for some of us, we may be in a position to walk with others in their grief far more often than we experience deep grief of our own. In fact, ALL of us are called to mourn with those who mourn. But how? Those you walk with may have deeply personal preferences on how to be supported. So, asking would be a good place to start. Grieving is a difficult and emotional time, and asking opens the door to understand how to best use your gifts. At the time, those in grief either may not know what they need or may not want to burden you, but fight the temptation to stop there. Below are a few general considerations for supporting others in times of grief.

Prayer: Pray with and for them. Pray God’s truth and love and hope over them. Let them know they’re in your prayers. In understanding God’s purpose and design for grief, you can also fight tempting thoughts that perhaps your perfect prayer or perfect verse or perfect encouragement will snap someone out of their grief so expect to continue to pray. In an article titled “How to Discourage a Grieving Friend” on Desiring God’s website, writer Vaneetha Rendall Risner wrote: “No one should presume that our input will lessen people’s pain. Transforming our suffering is ultimately the work of the Holy Spirit and not the product of good advice. Our main work is to pray.”

Be There: In Job’s grief, his friends said some pretty damaging things. However in his first moments of grief Job 2:13 tells us, “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” Perhaps a nonjudgmental, loving, prayerful, quiet presence will provide a bit of salve to your friends broken heart. Ensure your friends know they don’t need to put on a false happiness or muster up the little strength they have in your presence, give permission to grieve together.

Tangible Needs: Grief is exhausting. Those who are grieving need spiritual, emotional, and physical rest. Offer to bring a meal, run an errand, or whatever else you believe may serve your friend well. Offering to fill specific needs may help communicate you’re serious about showing up.

Avoid untrue words that at best only provide a moment of superficial comfort. Sometimes catchy sayings or a promise of a specific outcome may feel easy to grab onto, but trust that God’s word is our best source of encouragement and align with the work he is doing. Examples of this would be assuring a friend in the midst of seeking diagnosis for an illness that “the results of your test will be fine, I just know it.” Stating that someone who has passed is “in a better place now” when you don’t know the state of their soul or standing before God.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly don’t minimize pain or focus on searching for a bright side. Minimizing someone’s struggle or despair can not only magnify their pain, but can impede on the sharpening work that God has for their time of grief. Perhaps you know someone who has it much worse: not helpful. Perhaps you’ve thought of a small drop of positivity in their ocean of grief: not helpful. Stick to God’s promises and the understanding of his timing for each unique situation of grief. If you’re encouragement is about to start with the words “Well at least” – this is a good time to pause before you say anything else, and ask God for wisdom in how to comfort.

Friends, it can be difficult and complicated to support those in grief. Most people want to be helpful so I think it’s important to ask the Holy Spirit for graciousness toward those who say or do unhelpful things, even those who shirk back in discomfort with the situation. Ultimately God is not only doing something in our grief but He is also our healer and praise be to His name for anyone He works through to do that, but don’t look to those people as your ultimate source of comfort.

Read more about supporting others in their grief.

Healing

God’s word tells us that for those who follow Him, grief does not have the final word. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

His will is for us to move through our grief faithfully, not wallow in it, not rush it and in God’s timing, as we read David’s words in Psalm 40: 1-3, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” Friends, there is no shame in healing and moving past grief. It does not take away the value of what we lost or minimize the seriousness of the struggle endured. It will always be a part of our story that was written before we were born. We should expect that He will deliver on His many promises for the brokenhearted and children in despair and when He does, we shall sing a song of praise to Him and continue in our call to make His name known. Likewise, it is okay if your experience of grief is greater, lesser, or different than others who have experienced the same or similar struggle or loss.

Conclusion: Let us hold fast to God’s word together in each season He has us in, and be a light to this world whether we are in a season of weeping or a season of laughing, a season of mourning or a season of dancing. I pray we can continually learn how to be faithful servants to God and faithful sisters to each other as we fully embrace that there is a time for everything.

Read more on Learning How to Grieve.